I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and I only lost my husband once. I consider that a win, win! It isn’t uncommon for any of us to misplace our loved ones on occasion. However, in our case, we are preparing to hit the 6-year anniversary of one of my husband’s worst days of his life: the day that he lost his job of 17 years. It is also when we began to realize that something was very wrong.
Honestly, it has become a blessing. I believe that removing that stress has added both quality and quantity to his life and as a result, our marriage has never been sweeter. Yes, he has dementia. Yes, we know what that means. However, it isn’t all gloom and doom. In fact, it is mostly fine.
My husband is the same old goofball he’s always been. This week I found oven mitts in the frig. This Fall, he had somehow managed to get the entire coffee maker in there. I eventually found out the reason for the coffee pot: to keep the ants out. (Naturally!) I am convinced that there is some equally good reason for the placement of the oven mitts. We just don’t know what it is yet. Perhaps it is to have nice cold mitts to take hot items from the stove and this is the beginning of a new trend!
He still likes to go on short trips to meet up with familiar people. Yesterday we ran errands on the way to have lunch with friends- hence the “quick stop” to Wal-Mart. We went in for 3 items: shoe goo, coffee creamer, and toothpaste. We came out with $115 worth of things we “needed”. (My man just loves to shop!) During check-out he needed to use the restroom and didn’t return. The cashier patiently allowed me to scoop up my favorite guy, who was standing outside the bathroom, looking all around. He wasn’t upset. When I asked him if he was lost, he said, “I was waiting. I knew you’d find me.” I reassured him that he did exactly as we have taught the kids to do, and he nodded his head, proud that he had done the right thing.
Once leaving the store, he became concerned about all the cars in the lot: “Our car is lost.” I always make it a point to talk about where our car is and landmarks surrounding it, when we park. Yesterday, I had announced that we were nose toward the Home Depot flag. He followed my directions as I instructed him where to go, even though he didn’t quite believe me, and he was relieved to find the car.
It made me wonder, how much does that happen during a typical day? How often is he “standing outside the restroom” or “searching for the car” until his brain catches up or until one of us gently finds him and brings him back, or guides him to where he needs to be?
We have had to remind him on several separate occasions that he has just had his 53rd birthday. He keeps forgetting and sometimes doesn’t believe us. One minute he’s in a fog. The next, he is perfectly clear. Yesterday he told our friends, “I don’t know why people say that you are another year older. You are only one day older than the day before. What’s the big deal?” (He’s right you know.)
He’s a nerd. He has always been a joker. My brother said the other day, “I can’t tell if he is legitimately confused, or playing with me.” He’s right. When my brother wished him happy birthday, my favorite man seriously said, “It’s my birthday?” When he told my husband his age, he replied, “That can’t be. That’s old.”
When I ask him if he feels 53, he tells me that he feels older. He says that he hurts, is tired all the time, and that he hates his gray hair. Some days this is particularly obvious and he can barely function all morning long. He just sits in a daze with his hand over his eyes. He can’t hold a conversation, or even feed himself. But after a nap, nine times out of ten, he’s back to his old self and pontificating about current events. Mornings are often rough- slow to get going, and evenings are generally when he is the most clear. He matches the weather. If it’s a foggy day- so is he. He doesn’t seem to be experiencing “Sun Downing”, which is common of those who have been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. (A fog when the sun goes down.) In fact, he prefers the evening (with the lights on) and sleeps better when the sun is out. When I ask him about that, he says that he “doesn’t like the dark”.
What’s really strange is that he knows ABOUT many people. He can often hold a two-way conversation about friends, family, and community members. Yet, he has no idea who they are when he sees them. The kids and I prep him before gatherings, but it’s a crap shoot. Sometimes he’s fine. Sometimes he’s a hot mess. Sometimes he’s fine for a bit, and ends a hot mess. Generally, we can take him places where we are pretty sure he isn’t going to know anyone and he is fine- like the ocean, the grocery store, or Home Depot. Failure tends to come when we take him to places where he feels like he should know people or people might know him.
This even happens at home. After Christmas we had a small gathering of friends from church come to the house. He cooked, cleaned, and talked about many of the people who were going to be attending. However, as soon as the first guest entered the house, he began to stutter, stare, and shake, so my daughter shuffled him off to watch a movie in the bedroom. He was much happier with the baby, some snacks, and REMEMBER THE TITANS on the TV.
It’s weird. He misses people, but he wants to be alone. He wants to go places, but he wants to stay home. So, if we can get him out into public and only lose him once, I call that a WIN, WIN!