Tough Decisions and Big Opinions

I have never been a decision maker. I remember as a young child, my grandmother would ask where I wanted to eat when we made a trip to the big city. I would answer, “I don’t care.” She would try to pry it out of me, and yet I would answer the same way. It would make her so mad that we would go home and she would fix me a sandwich. I felt bad, but I legitimately did not care and could not be coerced into to making a decision. I still do that to this day. (My friends and family are nodding their heads.) It’s totally true. I can find something I like on most menus. However, occasionally, I do have an opinion, and when I do, I expect people to listen. And thus begins my crazy last week.

I am a blender. I don’t like attention drawn to me unless it’s deserved and positive. I hate confrontation and conflict. I’m super sensitive and I get my feelings hurt way too easy. My daughter tells me that I overthink everything- hence the blogging. It is my way to take my overthinking brain and create some order within it. It truly does help. I thank my daughter for encouraging me to do it.

I’m overthinking about a lot of things these days. I feel like I am in constant communication with my Maker, and he is mumbling. “Huh?” I want to yell to him, “Would you please speak up!”

I’m out of my comfort zone. I went to a Teacher’s Union Meeting this week with a list- so out of character for me. Some things have been chewing at my insides and I want to be part a solution. I met with the Superintendent this week- my choice. Then I met with my Principal- so out of my comfort zone. My nerves are on fire and my stomach is still a mess. Most of the time I say nothing. I just go with the flow and make the changes that are recommended, but some things just need work and I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer. I am proud of myself but I am exhausted and continue to pray that my actions were received the way I intended.

Some people think I’m an extrovert because I can speak to crowds, and I am a mover and shaker. If someone thinks of it, I help get it done in the background. I am an overachiever and a perfectionist. I am a Martha. In the bible, Mary sat at the feet of Jesus and washed his feet while Martha scurried around the house. That’s me. I have very high expectations for myself and for others. I know that. That leaves me a little intimidating to some and I come across as direct. But truly, I am an introvert. Sometimes I sit in the closet with the door closed. I imagine myself in a small box, protected and safe within it’s confines. Sometimes I cry in the shower or take long walks, while praying out loud for only the wildlife to hear.

I’m scared, I’m sad, and I’m trying to tackle each new hurtle with confidence and grace. But I am being asked to make decisions and have opinions, and it isn’t easy for me. So sometimes I come across very business-like. I tell people about what is going on without emotion, lest I lose control. I need to stay in control for the people I love most.

My husband is slowly failing. I see changes weekly. What’s interesting, is that sometimes he can’t do or remember something one day, that he can do or remember the next. Sometimes it just doesn’t come back- like tying his shoes. He’s started forgetting people he hasn’t seen in a while. I see the hurt look on the faces of those he can’t remember and it makes my stomach tighten. I want to put a sign on his back that says, “He has dementia, please introduce yourself.”

Two days ago, he exhibited signs of a seizure while sleeping. It may have been a bad dream. I have no idea. However, it left him exhausted and out of it for the whole day. Yesterday, was better, but he lost some ground. This leads me to my next worry…winter on the mountain.

Our daughter has been coming up during the days to hang out with my husband. They are good company for one another. Winters are hard on the mountain, and it may be a huge help to both parties to have them stay with us for the winter. He gets so lonely. The downfall is that it could speed up the process for my husband with too much stimulation in the house. That being said, it is his biggest desire to remain home until the end, and having her with us may be the only way that that can happen. What if they can’t get up the driveway when I need them the most? Big decisions need to be made…and I am not a decision maker. I am a people pleaser. I do not want to be in charge. Please God, won’t someone make a decision for me?

I’ve asked for God’s guidance, but he is silent. I take that as, “Not yet. Keep praying about it.” I just keep praying and he just stays quiet.

So this week, I am determined to be quiet. I’ve said what I needed to say in my workplace, and I’ve said what I need to say to God. Winter is coming, and I am fearful of the winter expenses in order to keep this beastly house warm, but I will trust that God has a plan and that he will reveal His plan in His time. For now, we wait and continue to enjoy one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other.

<Deep breath. >

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
I try to win this war
I confess, my hands are weary, I need Your rest
Mighty warrior, king of the fight
No matter what I face You’re by my side
When You don’t move the mountains
I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You
Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So let all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less
When You don’t move the mountains
I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You
Trust In You by Lauren Daigle

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