Last night I dreamed about you dying. Perhaps it is because I have been putting together documents for Medicaid. Perhaps it is because we have been surrounded by so many deaths lately. It might be a result of the conversation we had yesterday with a friend about seeing an Eldercare Lawyer, or a support group members request for a copy of the Medicaid application. I suspect that it is because we met with another specialist yesterday and we had to explain it AGAIN and we had to force him to understand our complicated situation.
Death surrounds us lately. We have recently lost more members of our neighborhood. A coworker lost her nephew this week. Another dementia caregiver mourns the loss of her mate on Facebook, and I am trying to process why therapy is planning to dismiss you when you can’t walk yet.
It wasn’t sad, morbid, or gross. You were still joking. You asked for a tall glass of milk. We all know the significance of that. You always ask for one at meal time. You told me not to spend my life in mourning, but that I could take your suit and snuggle with it for a while. In my dream you were walking, but with a significant limp. You were unsteady and kept falling over to the side. You never lost your sense of humor. Our son put a kitten on top of your baseball cap and you laughed. In the end, I was running to get your lawnmower so that I could get you home from a ballgame. Home is where you love to be and I know that.
Sweetheart, I hope that you are right and that you outlive us all. Maybe the Lord will come and we will all go to glory together. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? My heart is so heavy and you are still here. You are sleeping in our bedroom, dreaming about our day out today at the cemetery. It is so beautiful to walk through in the Fall.
It isn’t about me. It is about you. I am so thankful that we’ve had plenty of time to prepare, and plenty of time to say all the things we need to before you leave. Maybe this has been spurred on by our son’s deployment half way around the world. I suspect that it might feel a little like you’ve gone on a trip that has no cell service. I am so thankful that it will be temporary, and that at some point we will all join you at our vacation paradise. I expect that you will enjoy spending your days preparing our new home for our reunion and that makes me smile.