Sometimes I can’t wait to hurry up and sit down to write. My thoughts come at me like a flurry, and it it feels good to me, like a good back rub, a long nap, or a huge ice cream cone on a hot summer day. It calms my nerves, gives me a quiet audience, and helps me to put my thoughts together in order to create a plan for my next steps. It is a strategy that has worked for a very long time.
I worry too much, and I am often accused of being irrational and over thinking. I analyze things to the most minuscule amount, and replay life over and over, especially if I know I have said or done something I shouldn’t have. That’s what my therapist said when I was very small. I used to have horrible nightmares that my parents couldn’t wake me from. I dreamed of the Wile E Coyote cartoon where Wile was caught in a snowball that got bigger and bigger as it rolled down the hill. It was a picture of how I punished myself over and over for my wrong doings. An event someone might consider minor just kept getting larger in my brain and I couldn’t forgive myself.
It still is a battle that I fight. I am a perfectionist and a self-driven workaholic. I am always busy, highly organized and I hold myself to very high standards. It is very difficult for me to allow human error, because I don’t forgive myself. On top of that, I am highly sensitive. I put everything I’ve got into everything I do, and in every relationship I am involved in.
So, why am I getting smacked around like the ocean waves against the rocks, while others seem to breeze through life unscathed? Am I doing something wrong? Do I need to change something? I am so diligent about doing everything correctly, in the right order, and to the very best of my ability. My relationship with God is of utmost importance to me. I wear my faith on my shirtsleeve. Nobody ever wonders what I believe or how I stand. I am a faithful church attender, read my bible, pray constantly, listen to Christian music, and surround myself with good clean influences in my life. I pay my bills on time, I follow the law (other than the occasional speeding ticket), I treat others the way I want to be treated, forgive often, and try desperately to be a good citizen, employee, friend, daughter, mother, and wife. So what’s the problem?
The Pastor shared a while back that the Lord may be allowing adversity for 3 reasons. One, it may be a consequence. Sometimes bad things happen as a result of poor decisions. Two, God may allow trials in order to prune us, like apple farmers do in order to prepare for a good harvest. Or, three: it may simply be that we live in a fallen world, and it just IS. I’ve thought about this a lot. I do feel like I have been pruned a bit. I am certainly not as wound up as I used to be. I have learned to go with the flow and not to crash and burn with every one of life’s pot holes. Another thought is that God may be allowing things to happen so that OTHERS might learn from me. Perhaps my reactions and responses will save a marriage or demonstrate to others how to respond to life’s twists and turns. I sure do hope that someone is getting something out of this and that it isn’t a waste. The last 14 years have been like a marathon that keeps getting more and more challenging. Unfortunately, I suspect that God is just toughening me up for the most difficult race of all. The bottom line is that God owes me no explanation and I know that. However, for the record, I think I’ve had enough conditioning. I need some rest.
The good news is that my family is fairly quiet for the moment, which is allowing me some time to think, reflect, rest, and heal. I am still sad and scared, but I don’t hang out there. It isn’t productive, and it certainly isn’t going to make the situation any better. So, on days like today, when my eyes leak a little, and I feel a little sorry for myself, I am going to remind myself to focus on the blessings of today.
I will rest on the promise that our Maker is a good God who won’t leave me scared, alone, and broken. I’ll leave Him to worry about the details so that today I can enjoy the people I love the most. In the end, I am determined not to have one single regret.