Nothing To Say

1016417_10202572532788590_501963023_nWhat do I say when well-meaning people ask me how I am  doing? The real answer is that I am numb, sad, and I pray every night that the doctors are wrong. Family, friends, and coworkers don’t want to hear that and they don’t know how to respond, so I just tell everyone I’m fine. But it’s not true.

Life as I have known it will never be the same. As much as I try not to think about it, it is always on my mind. The fact is that I’ve been tossed around like an angry wave, and I am left numb. On the outside I am developing tough skin, nerves of steel, and I am rarely shaken. This week we took two trips to the ER. I packed my school bag with papers to correct, supper in my lunchbox, an extra sweater because the hospital is often cold, and the journal that I keep track of my husband’s health in. I didn’t even call the kids until the next day. Trips like this are becoming the norm.

Most days I pretend everything is the same as always. I even convince myself that nothing is wrong. I go to school each day, correct papers every evening, and snuggle next to my husband every night. Routines feel good. I only want to be around people who lift me up. I can’t even read many posts on Support Group sites because it brings me down, makes me sad, and terrifies me. I prefer to be in the land of denial. It is safe there and I choose to inject myself in that safe country. If it wasn’t for the headaches and the blood pressure that he just can’t get under control… If it wasn’t for the doctors appointments and the many trips to the pharmacy, I could almost pull it off.

So how am I doing? I have nothing to say.

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