Do you ever wonder how many people will be at your funeral and what they will say about you? I do sometimes. I wonder if the general public will miss me or if they will simply carry on as if I weren’t ever here on earth. I wonder if the values I tried so hard to instill in my children and my students made a difference in how they complete their journey’s. I wonder if I will be able to make them smile or give them comfort from the grave. I sure hope so.
Sometimes I feel invisible. I suppose that is how Martha felt in the bible. Like her, I am the one that hustles around in the background. I am the one that people don’t really pay attention to, because I am the one in the kitchen at parties, the one, cleaning up the messes, and the one who hasn’t really got a life, but makes sure that everyone else does. I work hard, am faithful to my parents, care for my family, and stay focused on what I should be doing. I don’t break the rules, am honest, and trustworthy. Yet, sometimes it leaves me lonely, vulnerable, and insecure.
When the kids were little, I was going a million miles an hour. I worked full-time, and made sure that my kids had every opportunity that my husband and I could afford. Our children played sports, each played instruments, and the girls danced. They went to AWANA and Youth Group and we helped our children to memorize every single required verse. We even became leaders and attended functions with our children. We were very involved.
As the children got older, we continued to stay involved, and have poured ourselves into being their support systems by being the President and Vise President of their fan club. Honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I believe with all my heart, that my first responsibility is to raise my family in the way that they should go and I won’t ever stop being their Mother or their coach.
When the kids moved out, one by one, it took the breath out of me. I couldn’t imagine what life would be like without the children to manage. The good news is that they still need me. It is just different. More than anything, they need a mentor. I am still an active participant in their fan club. It just isn’t as intense. My husband and I still worry about them and pray for them every single day in the quiet of our home. We are their silent partners in their life journey.
Lately, we have been blessed from invisible supporters. Since my husband was diagnosed, We have received food, gift cards, money toward oil and bills, encouraging cards and care packages. Some we have been able to thank, others prefer to be anonymous. It is overwhelming, humbling, and a little embarrassing. However, we are grateful for the help and we are learning to just say THANK YOU. It isn’t as easy as you might think…
I am determined not to allow myself to become invisible. When you live in rural Maine, it is a challenge. That is my greatest fear. I hate being alone and it scares me. I’ve never been alone. I grew up on a street full of children, moved to a farm with plenty of people and animals, to college with 5 roommates, to getting married and having children right away. Now that plans have been changed, I am left with a huge dilemma. What am I going to do so that I stay in the land of the living?
One thing that I will do, is visit my children and friends. I’ll still spend a lot of time at the farm with my family and attend more church services. Maybe I’ll pick up my flute again and join a local band. Who knows. School will still take up a bulk of my time, and I enjoy teaching Summer School. Our 7 acres will be demanding, so it may be challenging to fight invisibility.
In the end, I guess it doesn’t really matter how many people attend my funeral and what they say about me. I just hope that in the end, my children, close friends, and family say that I have stayed faithful, was trustworthy, loyal, and lived my life in a way that glorified my creator. I hope that although I felt invisible at times, people noticed me, that people were encouraged by my words and by my example.